2009 in Three Words or Less

January - waiting for baby

February - 6 month mark

March - adoption match failed

April - foster baby placed

May - foster baby removed

June - matched with "E"

July - Emma Claire born

August - Emma Clarie lost
1 year mark

September - time heals nothing

October - drowning in depression

November - starting to resurface

December - we have hope!

Wishing you a Blessed CHRISTmas!

Here in Oklahoma, this is what we awoke to:

The first picture is out my back window and the second is out our front window. We received 14 inches of snow! There is a snow drift between our house and the next that is at least 4 feet tall. My kids are going to have a blast tomorrow!

I have lots to tell you about, but have been really busy getting everything ready for Christmas. I have been able to actively participate this year, which has been a blessing in itself.

The picture at the top of my page is of Jacob's handprint ornament. (I got a new camera for Christmas and have been playing with it!)

So, I wish you a very Merry Christmas, with wonderful memories made with your families!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

little of this...little of that...

This post doesn't really have a specific point, just lots of little bits of info to put out there.

I found out some very interesting information this week. I know I have talked about wanting out of the county we are in according to DHS. If you read through all of my posts, I am quite sure you would read about this on many occasions. For one thing, we live ONE block from the county line. I can SPIT into OK county. (Okay...I can't, but it makes for a good imagery!) All the offices are closer than our county, all of our cases have been in OK county, and I could go on, but I won't bore you with all of that.

So, I mentioned in one of my last posts that we have signed up to do straight adoption through DHS. It was totally a God thing and still is as He is opening doors like you wouldn't believe! So, a couple of days ago, I got an email from MY county worker telling me that she had not checked our address when we adopted S&J, so when she put it in for this adoption, it came up OK county. WHAT??? Are you kidding me??? So, I talked with her about it a little to make sure she had the right info. I know for a fact we do not live in OK county. She assures me that according to them, I do. Okay. Whatever. So I do what I do and I go higher up. I sent an email to my old worker and she confirmed that no, we are NOT OK county. I am starting to get the feeling that nobody wants me!

Not 30 minutes later, I got a phone call from the adoption supervisor in OK county. Evidently, Adoptions and Foster care do not go by the same guidelines. Why I was surprised by this, I have no idea! So, if we want to foster, we are one county...if we want to adopt, we are OK county. Evidently, my zip code is an OK county zip code. Talk about identity issues!!

I am happy with the change, though. I will miss MY worker (she knows who she is) because she was so good at fighting for our causes, but I won't miss those she was fighting against. I am also very excited that OK county contacted me so soon. My info was just sent to them 2 days ago and they called me today. They will be scheduling a time to come out and do a walkthrough of our home in the next 2 weeks. We will have to redo some of our study, but most of it they will be able to use from S&J's adoption. (Yes, I can post their names, I am just too lazy to type them out.)

I also wanted to share something that I am continually learning about. It's what a personal Savior we have. I love when an issue comes up and I take it to God in prayer and within a day, He is speaking to me specifically about my issue. That happened just this week.

It never fails. Just as you are seeing and feeling God's presence in a situation, Satan will attack. And so many times, we are so blinded by the attack, we totally take our eyes off of God and the glorious thing He has just done in our lives. UGH! Why do we do this???

I have been lied about recently. In such a way that had it been believed, it could have caused severe damage to some people. Fortunately, it was very obvious that it was not truth, but still. I don't really care if people like me or agree with me, but when you call my honesty into question, uh...yeah...not good!

So, as I am processing all of this information, I went straight to the Word. Here is what God said to me:

"Arrogant people have made up lies about me, but in truth I obey your commandments with all my heart. Their hearts are dull and stupid, but I delight in your law. The suffering you sent was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your principles." Psalm 119:69-71

The Bible says that "God's word is living and active". It's really hard not to be bitter and just furious when people wrong you, but according to God, I need to be paying attention to Him...not the lies...not the injustice...but to Him. He knows. He will take care of it all. But I would be lying if I told you it wasn't really hard to allow Satan to steal my joy!

So, I am working on all of this.

And because I said this would be random, I now weigh what I weighed when I gave birth to my 4th child. Yeah, me. Gotta run and put my fat pants on so I can go eat Mexican with my friends tonight!! (Oh...and when I say "run", what I really mean is hollering to one of my kids to bring the pants to me!)

4 years old...gotcha day....

Saturday was Josiah's 4th birthday. It was also Samara's "gotcha" day. We have had them for three years now. The day we got Samara, the worker said, "She has a brother...will you take him?" Well, how could I say no? She asked for him all day long. So, 2 1/2 weeks later (and thanks to a fabulous judge who told DHS that 6 children in a home was not a law and court ordered them to stay in my home) Josiah joined our family.

He was the saddest thing I had ever seen. Josiah had been in DHS custody for 8 weeks and when I got him, I was his 5th placement in that time. 2 1/2 years later, I learned that we were actually his 7th placement in 8 weeks. Josiah cried for hours on end. He did not want to be held. He would bang his head on the tile multiple times a day...it was a terrible sound. He was the angriest baby I have ever known. Fast forward 1 1/2 years and he is diagnosed with RAD, after trying to strangle me...twice.

I say all of this because I want you to know what a work God has done in Josiah's life. (There is SO much more I could tell you that happened with Josiah...but that would probably require a blog of it's own!) Josiah is a NORMAL 4 year old boy. He has an imagination that won't quit. He says everything that passes through his little head. He has all of my friends who know him in stitches, all the time.

For example...last week I went to pick him up from Sunday School. His regular teachers were not in there, it was an older couple. I get to the door and he is the only one left. I smile and they say "is he yours?" I say yes and I hear them say "Russell, your mom is here." RUSSELL??? I laughed a little and said, "His name is Josiah." They said, "Oh, well, he lost his name tag and told us his name was Russell." What a dork!!! The whole month before that, if someone said "Hi Josiah", he would say, "My name is Monk!" I had no idea who Russell was until my kids reminded me that Josiah had watched the movie "UP" over the weekend! The really funny thing is the next day, I said, "Hey Russell" and he said, "What??" UGH!!

So, I am thankful for Josiah (or Monk, or Russell). I am thankful that God chose to heal this child so that he could one day bring glory to God. Josiah has an amazing story, although he is too young to know it just yet.

This is a video of his birthday cake. The candles I used were leftovers from another party. Evidently they were "sparkler" candles, but they didn't work the first time we used them.

Complete the ministry God has given you....

I haven't been posting as much as I would like to. I haven't been sleeping, so by the time I am alone for the day where I could post, I am just too tired. Plus, all my "good stuff" comes to me while I'm driving or at the grocery store! Maybe I should have one of my slaves start taking notes for me.

So, for those of you who have read ANY of my blog, you know that I despise DHS. Right? And with good reason...right? I mean, seriously...who tells someone who just lost their child to a tragic accident that it was because there were too many children in the home? Who does that??? And then in the same breath tell you that the whole time that said child was alive, DHS was losing money because we had "one too many children". I told them many times that I didn't want their money...but they won't place a child with you unless they can control you and how do you control someone??? With money. How convenient.

With that being said, I have felt like God was leading us to adopt again. Not through a private adoption, but through DHS! WHAT??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? "God, You of all beings know what these people did to our family. Yes, I know we got three wonderful blessings from all the drama, but seriously??? Again????? UGH!!!!"

Have you ever fought God on something?? I know we all have, but this was one of those stomping my feet "I'm not doing this" kind of fights! I had all the paperwork that needed to be filled out laying on my chair. I just kept ignoring it. And then I got this verse in my Bible study...

"But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at bringing others to Christ. Complete the ministry God has given you." 2 Timothy 4:5

Complete the ministry God has given you....DHS was/is our ministry. I threw my hands up in the air as any good, obedient Christian would do, and said, "FINE, GOD...I'll do it!" (Well, after a few more words with the Master!)

So, we turned in our paperwork about a month ago. This means we will probably not be adopting a newborn, and maybe not even a girl. But God has been working with me on this area, too. I asked God 4 years ago to enlarge my family...give me babies. He did. He even gave me a tiny chocolate baby girl named "Emma Claire"...even if only for 5 days...I had her. The name on her birth certificate is "Emma Claire".

So, we are waiting again. There are a couple of situations that have been presented to us, but we are waiting for God to intervene. Please be in prayer that we will not step in front of God. And when I say "we", I mean "me"! I know God's plan is so much better than mine. And I gave my plan up to Him recently and am allowing Him to do what HE has planned for our family. I know...big of me!

Today I am thankful. Last year I was not so much. Last year at Thanksgiving, I was still in shock. But 15 months later, I can say that God has been faithful to our family. He has been faithful to me. While I still long for Heaven and those skinny chocolate arms around my neck, I am thankful today that I still have the rest of my family and that God's purpose for me is not over. There is much to be done.

"For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love."

"But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the well, and you heard me! You listened to my pleading; you heard my weeping! Yes, you came at my despairing cry and told me, Do not fear!"

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

It's like a giant rat maze

I have lots to say, but then again, I have nothing to say. The past 2 1/2 months since the anniversary of Jacob's death have been extremely difficult. God is still good, and because I can say that and mean it, I believe I am on the way out of the valley...for now. So, I will post something meaningful and easy to read...later.

I am also trying to get past this headache which just might be an aneurism, so this will be short. I'm kidding about the aneurism. Maybe. It's on both sides of my head and sometimes goes in circles. My brilliant 14 year old daughter explained to me, because her spiritual gift is sarcasm, that if I did indeed have a "moving aneurism" that the doctors were really going to want to have a looksy!

I have been wanting to update, but after reading my last two posts and having nothing better to say, I decided "if I can't say anything nice, then I won't say anything at all."

But, I was thinking in the tub...which is where all my good stuff comes from...and God reminded me of a time when He answered a prayer of mine in a mighty way. I believe I am supposed to share this with you all.

In March of 2008, Samara had her tonsils and adenoids removed, and tubes placed in her ears. We had her surgery at OU Children's Hospital. If any of you locals have been there, you know too well what a rat maze that place is.

Patrick used to work at Children's, when Ashlee was about 2 (she was young enough to still call the elevator an "alligator" and she was an only child!). We would go up and meet Daddy for lunch occasionally and I remember him giving me directions to his office...which I found...but getting out of that place, well, that's a different story. Let's just say that after that, Patrick walked me to my car!!

Anyway, Samara and I had to be at the hospital at the butt-crack of dawn for her surgery. For those of you who know me in real life, well, there wasn't enough Pepsi in that hospital to help me!! I parked and got Samara and myself where we needed to be. Surgery went fine. I prepared myself to carry this drugged, heavy duty 4 year old down the rat maze of halls and alligators to the parking garage where we had parked earlier...in the dark...during construction.

Thirty minutes later,after what should have been a "follow this hall to that sign, turn left, take the alligator down one floor, turn right and out you go", I found myself literally crying out to God to help me find my car. I had no idea where I was. For awhile, I was convinced that we were no longer at OU, but now we were at Mercy! So I prayed. And I found another elevator that I KNEW I had not seen before, nor could it take me to my car...because remember...I hadn't seen it before!! Plus, I am not even in Oklahoma anymore!! But, I got on and I said, "God, when I get off this elevator, I need my truck to be right in front of me. I am lost and I don't know what else to do."

The elevator door opened. I picked Samara and all of her stuff up, looked out the door, and there was my beautiful, red truck, right in front of me, just where I am pretty sure I had NOT left it. I cried a little. I thanked God out loud and scared Samara a little.

Was this an emergency? No. Was I in danger? No. Did Samara care? No...she was on drugs. I was just tired. That's all. I could have walked around the hospital again, asked for more help, or many other things to find my truck. But I asked God for His help, and He gave it to me. Why? Because He loves me. He loves me in the big things and He loves me in the little things.

Jacob was/is a BIG thing. Finding my car because I was tired was very small. But God did not care for me or meet my needs any differently. He LOVES me. Bottom line. That's it.


As I was typing this post, the following song came to mind...it's by Mark Schultz:

Father, let the world just fade away
Let me feel Your presence in this place
Lord, I've never been so weary
How I need to know You're near me
Father, let the world just fade away

Til I'm on my knees
Til my heart can sing

He is
He was
He always will be

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
He is

Father, let Your Holy Spirit sing
Let it calm the storm inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say

He is
He was
He always will be

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
Be still, and know
Be still, my soul

He is!