Just a few things....

First of all, thank you for all of your prayers and emails after my last post. Not sure where I would be without you. My little meltdown was just that...little. I am grateful for that. It is true that the sadness comes and goes and each "episode" is a little better than the last. This week has proven to be harder than last, but it isn't a constant. There have been many reminders this week that Jacob is gone. I can't even remember them all. Today at Walmart, there were several things. First of all, before Jacob died, I absolutely loved taking all 7 of my kids to the grocery store with me. We did it so much, if one kid was gone, the trip just didn't go as well. Now, I prefer to go alone. (I know...it's the whole "if I can't take them all, I don't want to take any...real mature.) But, today I went with all but Ashlee. I ran into my friend, Jennifer, who lost her husband 6 weeks ago. I really hate that the main thing we have in common now is death. I HATE that. I lose it every time we speak. Then in the checkout, the kind lady comments on "all those kids" and how she has 4 boys and 2 girls. She was not being ugly in the least, don't get me wrong, but she mentioned something about how her youngest is 12 and her oldest is almost a mom. It hit me...that was our plan. Jacob would be about 12 when Ashlee would most likely start her family. It's stupid...I know.

And my very sweet friends have no idea, but several of them have babies Jacob's age. I watch them and see so many reminders of my two year old. Tonight, Lola said something (I can't remember) and hugged her mommy just the way Jacob would. (Please, friends, I love you and I love your babies...please don't try to ease my pain by keeping your babies or yourself away from me...that is not what I want.) Kenlie was going to marry Jacob. We had it all planned. They were such sweet friends. I watch her grow and wonder what new words Jacob would be using. I hate this. I am exhausted and do NOT want to dwell here.

We went to court yesterday. Waste of time. S&J's bio dad had NOT been writed to court. (Something his lawyer has to do.) The lawyer was 2 hours late to court only to whine that he hadn't had time to sign a form and fax it to the jail. Yep...in 8 weeks he has been too busy. The judge told him that he had better have dad here Monday morning or on the phone to relinquish. I don't have to be at court on Monday. My prayer is that dad truly will relinquish and we will be finished. If not, we will go to court sometime this week for the trial. I really doubt that the lawyer even spoke with dad...last time he was adamant that dad wanted his "day in court". We will see.

Would you like to hear some good news??? Patrick and I are officially online with Christian Adoption. Our profile and contact information were posted yesterday. This is exciting. Patrick said, "You are going to wait for a girl, right? I said, "Well, that is my plan, but if we are offered a sweet black baby boy, how could I say no?"
He said, "If you don't wait, Ashlee will be upset." I told him "No worries, Ashlee has been praying for twins!" LOL!!! Seriously, whatever God has for us is fine with me. Now we just sit and wait and pray for the biological parents of our baby. (Or "babies" as both Ashlee and "S" have decided!) My dad asked "S" if we were going to "buy" a baby (silly little family joke) and she looked at him, dead serious (with her mouth full of burrito) and held up TWO fingers! It was hilarious.

And I will leave you with this little nugget from "S". Tonight, we had some of the families from our homeschool group over for a cookout. It was for the "Seekers" group. (Our homeschooled teens) "S" was looking up at the sky and saw the moon...it was just a sliver. She said, "Mommy, what is that up there?" I said, "It's the moon." She said, "Who broked it?" HILARIOUS!! We always say "Ooohhh...look at the moon" when it's full...we never say "Ooohhh...look at the moon sliver"!

Oh...one more thing. The medical examiner has decided that the report may NOT be almost complete. 3-6 months is what I have been told now. One DHS county tells me this will definately slow the adoption process, the other county says absolutely not, we are moving forward. Since they are the county with authority, I think I will go with them. I have received information this week that confirms my suspicion that my DHS county isn't telling me everything. (What was that verse I posted? That "plans conceived behind closed doors would not ruin me"?)

Have a blessed weekend!