Maybe this will help you understand...

I have had many people comment that they don't understand why DHS can't just terminate bio dad since he didn't show up. Yes, normally, if a bio doesn't show up for pre-trial, they are terminated by default. This is what happened with Jacob's bio mom and also S&J's bio mom.

Bio dad is in prison. Therefore, he cannot physically get himself to court. Because of this, we rely on HIS court appointed lawyer to do the paperwork to get dad to court when needed. Lawyer has failed to do this for the past 10 months. Courts hands are basically tied until lawyer decides to do his job.

Common sense would tell you that the guy is in prison...what rights should he have?? My opinion?? Absolutely NONE! That's what you get when you break the law. Sorry. It is extremely black and white to me. Nevertheless, this is not what our liberal government has chosen.

So we wait. I would also like you to understand the Juvenile Justice Court system...it is not like other courts. All attorneys, bios and children, are court appointed. Well, I take that back...you can hire your own attorney if you can afford it, but 99% of the bios cannot. Realize that these people fighting for "the best interest of the children" are having lunch together after court, hanging out with each other, etc. When they get into court, it's just a job...they play their part and that's that. These lawyers are your best friend in one case and in the next case you are dirt. Seriously...it's all about the money.

I hope that explains the situation a little better.

On another note, I am just a little sick to my stomach. I read on a foster parent board that a mom was in her backyard, with her 2 year old, looking at their pond. There was a goose on the pond. Well, goose decides to attack 2 year old. Mom has to strangle the goose to get it to let go of her baby. Baby has bruises on his neck and clumps of hair pulled out of his head. She heard the goose neck crack and he let go. Mom, probably not knowing exactly what to do, calls Animal Control. When she tells them there is an injured goose and what happened, they were furious...AT HER FOR HURTING THE GOOSE!! Then the forestry people are called in, tell her she fractured the gooses skull, and if the goose dies, she will be fined a hefty fine. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME????? If that had been a PERSON attacking her child, she would have been within her rights to kill that person, but heaven forbid she hurt a bird that was attacking her child!

I am sick that we have more regard for animals (even those that attack our babies) than we do for babies. I am sick that a mom who HAS her baby has to get 27 signatures and approvals to place her baby into the caring hands of an adoptive family. A mom who wants to abort her baby can do this with NOBODY'S signature or approval.

I do believe we are in the end times. I was surprised last night as I was reading in my Bible, Ezekiel 7, it was about God's judgement on our nation. The night before one of the most important elections ever. I keep hearing that we need to pray about our decision. Really?? One man thinks it's okay to kill babies...one doesn't. No prayer needed for me on that decision! (Please...I am not trying to start anything here...it's my blog.)

So...that's all I have to say. I am going to lay down for awhile.

"Search for the Lord and for HIS strength..."

Today has been an okay day. Lots of tears, but lots of smiles, too. Just as I get way down into the pit of my own pain, God points me in the direction of hope. As I mentioned yesterday, I have met a couple of "bloggers" who have opened my eyes to this grief thing. I am a pretty obedient person...love rules...so if the rule is that grief has crappy parts, then so be it. I am willing to be smack down in the middle of grief crap. BECAUSE, the promise is that once I am past the crap, only then will I see the beauty from ashes. Okay...maybe that isn't completely scriptural, but it's something like that.

I think that I am only just now coming out of the numbness of what has happened to us. I am quite sure that is the only reason I have been able to cope thus far. I really needed the permission to feel the way that I do. And now I have it and it is what it is. I am not very good at being transparent. But I will try because I desperately want healing. I found this poem on another blogger's site and felt it was totally appropriate.

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.~ Elizabeth Dent

S&J's court date was today. Nothing happened. I knew it wouldn't. So now we go back on November 20. I will be attending this court date as bio dad is "REALLY" going to relinquish on this date. The story today was the reason his lawyer didn't get him to court was because he had decided to relinquish. (which means no jury trial...yet) When they finally got in touch with him (still trying to figure out why it took 6 hours...the guy is in prison) he said that yes, he was going through with it, but HIS father wants to come to court with him before he relinquishes. REALLY???? I didn't even know there was another grandfather. And I thought I knew everybody in this psycho family! (And please don't judge me...I tried to continue a relationship with these people...went above and beyond what was expected of me...when I say psycho, I am saying this from a medical standpoint. HEE HEE) He is claiming that the paternal side of the family had no idea. Again, REALLY??? Then why did I have to change my phone number last year because bio mom thought it was a good idea to give it to you all???

There are 2 ways this could go. One, gramps doesn't show, or he shows, demands a home study, and fails it...as did the ENTIRE rest of the family. Second, he shows, passes a home study, demands his grandkids and DHS allows these children to be ripped out of the only security they have ever known. I could fight the 2nd option. We could retain a lawyer, spend a ton of money, and maybe win. But I just don't have any fight left in me. I am so weary.

I told this to the worker...he and the rest of the court are not worried, but I have been in DHS long enough to know that ANYTHING can happen, whether it's right or wrong. So, I go to my bubble bath. When I am in my bubble bath, this is where I pray for my husband and children. As I was praying for my kids, these are the verses that I received...coincidence? I think not!

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust." Psalm 91:1-2

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2

"No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from Me, says the Lord." Isaiah 54:17

"Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, even the Most High, your dwelling place, no evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling." Psalm 91:9-10

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8

Even after reading these verses, I am still weary. I was telling God that I just don't have the strength to fight and to deal with this mess. I want to focus on the loss of Jacob, the prospect of adopting a new baby, and my family who I have neglected lately. Not 10 minutes after my cries to God, He gave me this:

"Search for the Lord and for His strength, and keep on searching." Psalm 105:4

So, I will give it to Him...it was His to begin with. He knows where S&J will prosper...I don't. I just have to trust Him.

As hard as I try....

I just cannot get past this. I am thankful for the good days and understanding of the bad ones. God is the same either way. Those of you who know me know that I am a planner...always have been. As I have mentioned before, grief has no "planned" timeline, no "normal" gauge and this in and of itself REALLY ticks me off. I would much rather it go something like this: "Tracy, on Saturday, 11/1, you will lose it over baked beans, in front of a bunch of people who only know you as Justin and Bryce's mom who never comes to the soccer games." "Tracy, Sunday, 11/2, during the children's time, Pastor Doug will have the kids sing Jacob's favorite song, Jesus Loves Me, and you will not recover during the service." You know...a little warning would be nice.

I guess I have been hiding behind the pain. Trying to be strong for everyone involved. But in reality, I lost my baby. And I don't much care what the hospital, DHS, or the police officers thought because Jacob wasn't the same color as me...he was MY baby. He called ME "mommy". I have gone back and forth today, reading scripture that I know is true, crying out to God, and being angry all at the same time.

I have also come to the conclusion that I need to do some forgiving. I need to forgive DHS for treating us like baby killers. I need to forgive the hospital for not allowing me see Jacob one last time. After reading the blog of Angie Smith (Todd Smith's wife from "Selah") I realized that NONE of this was a surprise to God. I have claimed this for Jacob's death, but maybe not in the circumstances surrounding the death. I have felt so violated by not being allowed to see him at the hospital. I felt violated by the questioning that we received. (Why are you asking about Jacob's birth parents...WE ARE HIS PARENTS!) I felt COMPLETELY violated by the line of questioning done by DHS during their "investigation" and that my children had to be submitted to that. But God knew...and He allowed...and He protected us. Now...it's one thing to know you need to forgive...it's a whole other thing to actually do it!

Todd and Angie Smith lost a baby at birth in April this year. Seven weeks later, Todd's sister, Nicol, (previously from "Selah"), lost her 10 week old baby to SIDS. I had no idea. They are my favorite group. As I read over Angie's blog today, I see how much growth still needs to occur in my life. I want that kind of faith. I want more than anything for God to be glorified in Jacob's death and in my heart break. But how? I also know that I know that I know that God plan is to prosper us, not to harm us. How in the world will I prosper after the loss of my baby?? So many questions.

I was directed to another blog today...it's addicting. I am also angry that my only connection with these people is death. Why can't it be chocolate or pepsi?? Anyway, this sweet woman has lost two babies at birth. I related so well to her words and she speaks them much more eloquently than I could. She said, "I choose to trust God more than I understand him right now." And that is where I am/want to be. The Bible also promises to "redeem our losses".

Psalm 30:6-12

6 When I was prosperous, I said, “Nothing can stop me now!” 7 Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain. Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered. 8 I cried out to you, O Lord. I begged the Lord for mercy, saying, 9 “What will you gain if I die, if I sink into the rave? Can my dust praise you? Can it tell of your faithfulness? 10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me. Help me, O Lord.” 11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, 12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Lamentations 3:19-26
19 The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.[a] 20 I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. 21 Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: 22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends![b] ]His mercies never cease. 23 Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. 24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” 25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. 26 So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

My blog tonight is somewhat rattled...there doesn't seem to be any order. Sorry about that. Even in my deepest sorrow, I have seen the hand of God.

Some of you know that my little "J", who will be 3 the day after Thanksgiving, was diagnosed with full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder. Short version, if not treated, this disorder turns into several other disorders ultimately landing the person in prison for violent crimes. He has come such a long way. But, in the past 8 weeks, I truly believe that God has healed "J". He had started to shadow Jacob. When Jacob would ask for a hug or kiss, "J" would copy him. (Another symptom is complete lack of affection to the caregiver, ie. mommy) "J"'s therapist thought this was huge...he was learning to be affectionate. Since Jacob's death, "J" has started to initiate affection. HUGE!! He has not had rage in 8 weeks. HUGE! His behavior is normal 2-3 year old behavior...not that I enjoy that, but it's WAY better than the rages! And, best of all, last week he was sick. (Okay...I reread that and it doesn't sound right...not "best" because he was sick...read on...) Patrick started a movie for him and I sat next to him on the couch...not right next to him, but close. He immediately started scooting over closer and closer to me. Eventually, he crawled up into my lap and cuddled! HUGE!!!!!! His therapist said she thinks the RAD demon has left his body. I fully believe this. Before Jacob's death, we had started praying for his release from past (bio family) strongholds. I prayed that the connection between him and his bio family would be severed and that he would be saved from that legacy. I truly believe God answered our prayers when bio mom's rights were terminated and it will be complete when bio dad's rights are terminated. (This week we are praying!)

If you knew "J" and his entire past you would understand what a miracle this really is. So, in the midst of our pain, God is healing! We were led to an adoption ministry that we never would have found on our own. God is answering prayers! "My God he was, my God he is, my God he's always gonna be!"

Just a few things....

First of all, thank you for all of your prayers and emails after my last post. Not sure where I would be without you. My little meltdown was just that...little. I am grateful for that. It is true that the sadness comes and goes and each "episode" is a little better than the last. This week has proven to be harder than last, but it isn't a constant. There have been many reminders this week that Jacob is gone. I can't even remember them all. Today at Walmart, there were several things. First of all, before Jacob died, I absolutely loved taking all 7 of my kids to the grocery store with me. We did it so much, if one kid was gone, the trip just didn't go as well. Now, I prefer to go alone. (I know...it's the whole "if I can't take them all, I don't want to take any...real mature.) But, today I went with all but Ashlee. I ran into my friend, Jennifer, who lost her husband 6 weeks ago. I really hate that the main thing we have in common now is death. I HATE that. I lose it every time we speak. Then in the checkout, the kind lady comments on "all those kids" and how she has 4 boys and 2 girls. She was not being ugly in the least, don't get me wrong, but she mentioned something about how her youngest is 12 and her oldest is almost a mom. It hit me...that was our plan. Jacob would be about 12 when Ashlee would most likely start her family. It's stupid...I know.

And my very sweet friends have no idea, but several of them have babies Jacob's age. I watch them and see so many reminders of my two year old. Tonight, Lola said something (I can't remember) and hugged her mommy just the way Jacob would. (Please, friends, I love you and I love your babies...please don't try to ease my pain by keeping your babies or yourself away from me...that is not what I want.) Kenlie was going to marry Jacob. We had it all planned. They were such sweet friends. I watch her grow and wonder what new words Jacob would be using. I hate this. I am exhausted and do NOT want to dwell here.

We went to court yesterday. Waste of time. S&J's bio dad had NOT been writed to court. (Something his lawyer has to do.) The lawyer was 2 hours late to court only to whine that he hadn't had time to sign a form and fax it to the jail. Yep...in 8 weeks he has been too busy. The judge told him that he had better have dad here Monday morning or on the phone to relinquish. I don't have to be at court on Monday. My prayer is that dad truly will relinquish and we will be finished. If not, we will go to court sometime this week for the trial. I really doubt that the lawyer even spoke with dad...last time he was adamant that dad wanted his "day in court". We will see.

Would you like to hear some good news??? Patrick and I are officially online with Christian Adoption. Our profile and contact information were posted yesterday. This is exciting. Patrick said, "You are going to wait for a girl, right? I said, "Well, that is my plan, but if we are offered a sweet black baby boy, how could I say no?"
He said, "If you don't wait, Ashlee will be upset." I told him "No worries, Ashlee has been praying for twins!" LOL!!! Seriously, whatever God has for us is fine with me. Now we just sit and wait and pray for the biological parents of our baby. (Or "babies" as both Ashlee and "S" have decided!) My dad asked "S" if we were going to "buy" a baby (silly little family joke) and she looked at him, dead serious (with her mouth full of burrito) and held up TWO fingers! It was hilarious.

And I will leave you with this little nugget from "S". Tonight, we had some of the families from our homeschool group over for a cookout. It was for the "Seekers" group. (Our homeschooled teens) "S" was looking up at the sky and saw the moon...it was just a sliver. She said, "Mommy, what is that up there?" I said, "It's the moon." She said, "Who broked it?" HILARIOUS!! We always say "Ooohhh...look at the moon" when it's full...we never say "Ooohhh...look at the moon sliver"!

Oh...one more thing. The medical examiner has decided that the report may NOT be almost complete. 3-6 months is what I have been told now. One DHS county tells me this will definately slow the adoption process, the other county says absolutely not, we are moving forward. Since they are the county with authority, I think I will go with them. I have received information this week that confirms my suspicion that my DHS county isn't telling me everything. (What was that verse I posted? That "plans conceived behind closed doors would not ruin me"?)

Have a blessed weekend!

Not so good day...

It's nobody's fault. Just how it goes. I try to be encouraging on my blog. I don't want it to always be a downer...that isn't my life. But, as hard as I try to do it a different way, it is just as I have been told. Grief sucks. I said it. It is completely unpredictable. It has no regard to what else might be going on in your life, just rears it's ugly head at any moment it feels like. I have had enough. I am done. I just want my baby back. I don't mean to scare you off. I will probably be fine tomorrow, but today, I need him back. I guess I shouldn't complain. I have had a week and a half of really good days.

Patrick and I went to see "Fireproof" last night. It was amazing. I encourage you to go see it if you have not already.

I did go to the doctor today (because Patrick told me I couldn't come home unless I went) so hopefully I will be back to normal soon! I really want to clean out a few closets, the garage, and the list goes on!

For now, I will just settle for a bubble bath, flannel pjs, and a few sugar cookies in bed. (Patrick doesn't mind crumbs...I will eat them on his side!)

Unless the Lord had helped me....

It’s been awhile. I am still trying to fight off this coughing/hacking whatever it is that has invaded my body. Should I have gone to the dr? Probably. Will I? Probably not. I am much too tired and sick to go. There…that is my logic. You cannot change my logic. Just shake your head and try to go on. (heehee)

This week, I found out that when my name is pulled up by anyone in DHS, it shows an open investigation/allegation into the death of a child. Basically, I am a child killer in the eyes of DHS. Doesn’t really matter what they have said to “comfort” me. “It’s just paperwork…we know it was an accident.” Whatever. No wonder I can’t get a return phone call or email from anyone. That explains A LOT! So, I called the medical examiner. I will be getting this cleared up myself. They said they are working on closing Jacob’s file, will probably be done next week, so call back then. It’s on my calendar. I did ask if it showed a cause of death, and she said not yet, but that from what she was reading, there was absolutely nothing negative on the report. WHEW! Not that I didn’t already know that, but the confirmation is nice. So, hopefully we will have this wrapped up in a few weeks. I will be hand carrying DHS their copies. LOTS of people will be getting a copy! Just pray I can play nice until S&J are final. I am praying for a miracle in their case, also. Jacob’s adoption took 10 months…I don’t think I have enough left in me to deal with DHS for that much longer. “S” will be five in March. I am praying we are finished by her birthday.

So, regardless of how that last paragraph turned out, I felt better having talked to the ME and now I can keep on top of that on a weekly basis. I know it isn’t their fault…they have LOTS of these cases to do. What I still do not understand is why if the police, who have been trained in these sorts of things, did their investigation and found nothing wrong, then why does DHS deem they are all powerful and MUST do their own investigation 3 days later?? I feel a letter coming on! BUT…it will have to wait until I am out from under their little finger.

My therapist was at my house yesterday. (She is actually S&J’s, but I have taken her over.) I am not really into the therapy thing, but looking back, Jenny and I both know that God brought us together for so much more than therapy! Anyway, I told her that I had been having a really good couple of weeks. I haven’t been sad, weepy, nothing. I can talk about Jacob, still don’t really like looking at his pictures, but other than that, I have been so happy. So, I asked Jenny what was wrong with me??? Why am I okay? I don’t feel that I am on the verge of a break down. Jenny said but for the grace of God and all those people lifting our family up in prayer. So, today, in my Bible, God basically backed Jenny up and gave me this:

“Unless the Lord had helped me, I would soon have died. I cried out “I’m slipping!” and your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.” Psalm 94:17-19

And there you go. I do occasionally have this panic feeling that rises from my stomach and as soon as I feel it, I immediately pray “God, if I need to be sad about Jacob, okay, but if this is not of you, remove it from me.” And every single time, the feeling is gone immediately. Stupid devil.

It’s been awhile. I am still trying to fight off this coughing/hacking whatever it is that has invaded my body. Should I have gone to the dr? Probably. Will I? Probably not. I am much too tired and sick to go. There…that is my logic. You cannot change my logic. Just shake your head and try to go on. (heehee)


This week, I found out that when my name is pulled up by anyone in DHS, it shows an open investigation/allegation into the death of a child. Basically, I am a child killer in the eyes of DHS. Doesn’t really matter what they have said to “comfort” me. “It’s just paperwork…we know it was an accident.” Whatever. No wonder I can’t get a return phone call or email from anyone. That explains A LOT! So, I called the medical examiner. I will be getting this cleared up myself. They said they are working on closing Jacob’s file, will probably be done next week, so call back then. It’s on my calendar. I did ask if it showed a cause of death, and she said not yet, but that from what she was reading, there was absolutely nothing negative on the report. WHEW! Not that I didn’t already know that, but the confirmation is nice. So, hopefully we will have this wrapped up in a few weeks. I will be hand carrying DHS their copies. LOTS of people will be getting a copy! Just pray I can play nice until S&J are final. I am praying for a miracle in their case, also. Jacob’s adoption took 10 months…I don’t think I have enough left in me to deal with DHS for that much longer. “S” will be five in March. I am praying we are finished by her birthday.


So, regardless of how that last paragraph turned out, I felt better having talked to the ME and now I can keep on top of that on a weekly basis. I know it isn’t their fault…they have LOTS of these cases to do. What I still do not understand is why if the police, who have been trained in these sorts of things, did their investigation and found nothing wrong, then why does DHS deem they are all powerful and MUST do their own investigation 3 days later?? I feel a letter coming on! BUT…it will have to wait until I am out from under their little finger.


My therapist was at my house yesterday. (She is actually S&J’s, but I have taken her over.) I am not really into the therapy thing, but looking back, Jenny and I both know that God brought us together for so much more than therapy! Anyway, I told her that I had been having a really good couple of weeks. I haven’t been sad, weepy, nothing. I can talk about Jacob, still don’t really like looking at his pictures, but other than that, I have been so happy. So, I asked Jenny what was wrong with me??? Why am I okay? I don’t feel that I am on the verge of a break down. Jenny said but for the grace of God and all those people lifting our family up in prayer. So, today, in my Bible, God basically backed Jenny up and gave me this:


“Unless the Lord had helped me, I would soon have died. I cried out “I’m slipping!” and your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.” Psalm 94:17-19


And there you go. I do occasionally have this panic feeling that rises from my stomach and as soon as I feel it, I immediately pray “God, if I need to be sad about Jacob, okay, but if this is not of you, remove it from me.” And every single time, the feeling is gone immediately. Stupid devil.