Whomever said "time heals all wounds" was a complete moron who never had a wound! Well, maybe he was right in a sense. Wounds do heal, therefore, I suppose the grief that comes when we lose someone to death shouldn't be considered a wound. I would argue that it is rather a gaping hole, never to return to it's prior shape. There is no scabbing over. There is no new skin to grow, just the hole. (By now you are probably sensing my mood so it is now up to you as to whether or not you continue reading!)
Thirteen months have come and gone since Jacob died. Do you realize that this time next year I will have grieved for him longer than I actually had him? I am not exactly sure what is wrong with me. I thought that it would be easier after we hit the "year" mark. And in some ways, it is, but I keep going back to what we were doing last year at this time. What we were feeling. I truly think my body is having "physical" memories. The little's therapist explained to me one time that even though they were too young to remember what really happened to them on a conscious level, their bodies remembered and when those "physical" memories were triggered by whatever (sounds, smells, etc.) their bodies responded with a physical response.
I think my body is responding to those things that were going on a year ago. I am extremely fatigued for no reason, could spend days sleeping in my bed, have no desire to go anywhere or do anything, struggling to go to church, and I could go on. A year ago, I was still in shock for the most part. The reality of what our life would be like without Jacob was still unknown. I was still just trying to breathe.
I also think that I have a fear of people not remembering that we had him. The sound of my telling people we have 6 children at home is getting easier to say and that scares me. There will come a time when people will walk into my home and ask about the picture of the chocolate baby boy on the wall. I will make new friends who never knew me as Jacob's mommy. Just the thought makes me want to vomit.
And on one hand, I don't want to go back to where I was this time last year. On the other hand, spending hours on my bed by myself is such a comfort. I could live there easily.
For those of you waiting on the "old" Tracy to come back, it's not going to happen. Did you really think it would? I have a gaping hole in my chest that cannot be fixed. It will be there until the day I die. I have been forever changed. Just like I was forever changed when I went to pick Jacob up at the DHS office 3 years ago.
On a positive note, God is the Almighty comforter, healer, maker of my heart. Although I will never be the same, God is growing me. He is teaching me about His grace and mercy, His unfailing love, and that His promises are rock solid.
" 'My thoughts are completely different from yours,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9
And that is where I will find my peace and rest.
10 months ago