Monday, September 28, 2009

Just so you know...

Whomever said "time heals all wounds" was a complete moron who never had a wound! Well, maybe he was right in a sense. Wounds do heal, therefore, I suppose the grief that comes when we lose someone to death shouldn't be considered a wound. I would argue that it is rather a gaping hole, never to return to it's prior shape. There is no scabbing over. There is no new skin to grow, just the hole. (By now you are probably sensing my mood so it is now up to you as to whether or not you continue reading!)

Thirteen months have come and gone since Jacob died. Do you realize that this time next year I will have grieved for him longer than I actually had him? I am not exactly sure what is wrong with me. I thought that it would be easier after we hit the "year" mark. And in some ways, it is, but I keep going back to what we were doing last year at this time. What we were feeling. I truly think my body is having "physical" memories. The little's therapist explained to me one time that even though they were too young to remember what really happened to them on a conscious level, their bodies remembered and when those "physical" memories were triggered by whatever (sounds, smells, etc.) their bodies responded with a physical response.

I think my body is responding to those things that were going on a year ago. I am extremely fatigued for no reason, could spend days sleeping in my bed, have no desire to go anywhere or do anything, struggling to go to church, and I could go on. A year ago, I was still in shock for the most part. The reality of what our life would be like without Jacob was still unknown. I was still just trying to breathe.

I also think that I have a fear of people not remembering that we had him. The sound of my telling people we have 6 children at home is getting easier to say and that scares me. There will come a time when people will walk into my home and ask about the picture of the chocolate baby boy on the wall. I will make new friends who never knew me as Jacob's mommy. Just the thought makes me want to vomit.

And on one hand, I don't want to go back to where I was this time last year. On the other hand, spending hours on my bed by myself is such a comfort. I could live there easily.

For those of you waiting on the "old" Tracy to come back, it's not going to happen. Did you really think it would? I have a gaping hole in my chest that cannot be fixed. It will be there until the day I die. I have been forever changed. Just like I was forever changed when I went to pick Jacob up at the DHS office 3 years ago.

On a positive note, God is the Almighty comforter, healer, maker of my heart. Although I will never be the same, God is growing me. He is teaching me about His grace and mercy, His unfailing love, and that His promises are rock solid.

" 'My thoughts are completely different from yours,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9

And that is where I will find my peace and rest.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I suppose I should post something....

but all is quiet here on the homefront...for the moment! We have been busy with school starting and getting back into the swing of all things homeschool! Summer is not my favorite time of year. I do not like for my schedule to change. And when I say schedule, I mean my ENTIRE schedule, whether it be schooling, television, church, whatever.

So after next week, all things will be back to normal. Our Fall Bible studies at church will begin, our PE/Coop classes have started, and all the Fall premieres will start a week from Monday! (I know it's sad...don't judge me!) I just love Fall!

I have been doing a bit of respite for a friend the past week. She is a beautiful 5 month old baby girl and is SO easy and good natured. She has a smile that makes you melt! I suppose that's why I feel we have been so busy lately! Our family has enjoyed having her here. Although, one night, after her bath and fresh jammies, Josiah said, "Did you get ANOTHER new baby???" Nope...just changed her clothes. Poor messed up little kids. My kids are going to think babies come from phone calls.

My fourteen year old has decided that she would like to be a child psychologist/counselor when she grows up. I was very impressed with her decision. She said she wants to help the older the ones in foster care. If you wonder how doing foster care might affect your children, there you have it.

She also informed me that in a year from now we would be getting ready to get her learner's permit. ACK!!! I wasn't ready for that comment. Not that I don't enjoy her maturity, but she is just a constant reminder that I am getting really old!

As far as adoption news, everything is the same. We are waiting on a doctor's appointment and basically just waiting. Our birthparents are very comfortable with their decision. But please keep them in your prayers. They are such a sweet couple, just trying to do what's right to get their lives on track and put their family first. Please keep them in your prayers that God would continue to give them the strength to do what's best. We spent some time with them this past week, both of our families, and had a very nice time. Just please keep them in your prayers as I can't share much out of respect for their privacy.

While it doesn't make for a very interesting blog post, my life is at peace for a little while. I am enjoying it and hope it continues. more thing to share:

A sweet lady at my church stopped me in the hall last night. Her little girl and Jacob were in the same classes at church. Remember, Jake had just turned two when he died. She said they were out somewhere and saw a little chocolate boy walking. Her daughter said "Look, that's like Jacob." Her mother was a little confused as she had not mentioned him in over a year. She said, "You mean Jake from your class?" She said, "Yes." How sweet and sad all rolled into one. It's hard for me to see the little ones that were in class with him. I feel sad for me, but also for them as they will be growing up in church without him. He was supposed to be their friend for a long time. Actually, he was supposed to marry one of them if I recall...we already had it all arranged! I am sure God will provide her with the husband she is to have...there is time...they are only 3!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

"Human plans, no matter how wise or well advised,

cannot stand against the Lord." Proverbs 21:30

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry." Psalm 40:1

"Many will see what He has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:3

God, is this what you are doing??

"Look and see, for all your children will come back to you. As surely as I live, says the Lord, they will be like jewels or bridal ornaments for you to display." Isaiah 49:18

I mentioned in my blog a few days ago that I had laid out a fleece to God in regards to Emma. I read up about Gideon laying out the fleece when God told him to go and fight the strongest army and decided to try it. I thought God had promised me this baby. And here I am WITHOUT this baby. So I laid out the fleece. Only I didn't just lay out ONE fleece. I laid out FIVE! I know...overkill. Here is how it went:

"God, I need your guidance. I need to know if we are on the right path. I need to know if Emma is coming. If she is coming, I need to know:
1 - through a phone call
2 - through my husband
3 - through my friends (you know...that they "FEEL" it, too)
4 - that for some reason we would not be placed back online with Christian Adoption as planned,
5 - and just for fun, could you please send me something in the mail so I will know????

Yeah...that last one was just for kicks. I also told God that I trusted Him completely in whatever He was going to do, I just wanted a glimpse.

Here are the answers to my not ONE, but FIVE fleeces:
1 - "E" called (yeah...even though it didn't work out, it was a phone call I thought I wanted)
2 - I was ready to pack everything up and put it away, but Patrick said to "wait"...not what I was expecting from him
3 - A couple of very sweet messages about faith...very helpful.
4 - we were not placed back online due to a bad email address??? still can't figure out what happened.
5 - And just so you know that God does enjoy His children, when I opened the mailbox on Friday, a can of BABY FORMULA had been mailed to us! I know God was laughing at me!

And yet, we did not get a baby. And I was at peace. TOTAL peace. Not just fake peace. I knew in my spirit that everything was going to be fine and to be just the way God planned it.

Today, I received a phone call that I never expected. For privacy issues, I cannot give you all the details right at this moment, but we have been asked to adopt a couple's baby. They are due in January. These are people that we are acquainted with and the circumstances are totally God. While I cannot share details, I want you all to know how God has answered our prayers...even though they were not answered the way I thought they would be. This baby will be born healthy, no drugs, no alcohol, birthmom will go to doctor's visits, she IS NOT a crazy drug addict, but I do consider her a friend.

Please pray that God will have His hand upon this family as they have made this very difficult decision to try and give their baby the best life possible.

Praise God for His plans. And praise Him that we don't know ahead of time what He is doing. Otherwise, we would never be okay with the journey.