Wednesday, October 14, 2009

It is what it is...

For the third time this year, we are no longer "matched" with a birthmother. First there was "T", who ended up in the witness protection program. Then there was "E", who allowed DHS to talk her into going with a "family" member, because according to DHS, "family is always better". And then most recently, there was "K".

Not long after we were contacted by "K", I started to feel uneasy about the situation. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but there was an uneasiness in my spirit that I couldn't explain. I just rode it out because I felt like we were helping "K" in other areas of her life and I would have helped her without a baby dangled in front of me. "K" was the birthmom of our first two foster babies. She got them back from DHS and had another baby about 6 months ago. I was able to be with her some then, helping with the boys (which if any of you have been foster parents, it is VERY COOL to get to see your previous kids). So, when she called us about 6 weeks ago asking us to adopt the baby she was pregnant with, we were very excited! I mean, what a cool story that would be! And then last week, we found out it was all a lie. I asked God for confirmation of my feelings, and boy did I get confirmation!

It is what it is...

Since Jacob died, and probably before that, I have tried to make sense out of the things that happen in my life. Maybe God is trying to teach me this, maybe God is protecting me from that, maybe God put her in my life for this reason, maybe God is preparing me for that, on and on and on! But maybe, just maybe....

It is what it is. And that's all. It just is.

Through this last "match" and all that it entailed, I have realized a few things about myself. God promised us a baby 4 years ago. Of that I have no doubt. God has also told me that HE will handle the details. HE will do this thing He has promised. All I have to do is sit back and rely on Him.

No matter what I have said, what I have written, in some ways, I have been running this show. To be quite honest, I used all of this adoption drama as a distraction from what was really going on in my life...the loss of Jacob, because seriously, who wants to deal with death? Not me! Because of this, I made a LOT of mistakes with these "matches".

I spent so much time with "E", catering to her needs, her demands, at the cost of my family. I wonder if I had truly been relying on God for our baby, would I have dropped everything when "E" called and put my family second? I don't think so. Although I didn't realize it until it was over, I really thought if I didn't bow to "E" and keep her happy, that we wouldn't get her baby. Turns out, no amount of helping "E" would guarantee us that baby. I assumed that because the situation was presented to us, it must have been from God. I don't know now. What I do know is that I don't EVER want to be in a situation like this again...the agonizing feelings and loss that were experienced were something I don't know if I can go through again.

But, it is what it is.

When "K" called us, again, I thought this was God's answer to our loss of "E's" baby. And so quickly! What a gracious God! And while we did not bow to her every need, we did "help" "K" out a lot. Again, where was my reliance?

It is what it is.

For the first time in a year, my focus has totally changed. My focus is not on adoption. It's not on DHS. It's not dreaming about our promise baby. My focus is on God. My focus is on growing in Him. I am memorizing Scripture and teaching Sunday School. I am working on getting our homeschool back to the way it was before we lost Jacob. I am focusing on the relationships with the children I have. I am allowing God to do His work in my life. I am working on our homeschool convention and have recently become involved in our women's ministry at church which has the potential to be HUGE!

So where does all of this leave us with our adoption journey? Well, we will be going back online with our adoption ministry, and go from there. Adoption will happen, but it can no longer be my focus. My prayer is also that the adoption will just land in our already here, or at the least VERY close. Unless God changes my heart, I just don't think I can be "matched" again. I will admit, a part of me is very sad that I keep hearing about all of the babies in DHS needing homes and mine is unusable. KILLS ME! But, I do know that God gave us THREE children through DHS and I need to be okay with that.

It is what it is.

Something that was made aparent to me by our fabulous adoption ministry leader is that while my heart for babies and children, especially those that nobody else wants, is a very noble and righteous cause, it is also my weakness. This is an area in my life that Satan has and can use in order to bring me down. Who would have thought? But it makes perfect sense. If you tell me about a baby situation, DHS or otherwise, my immediate response is "bring me that baby...I'll fix it"! I never even THINK about the fact that God may not have THAT baby in mind for me. How can that be?? How can a good thing, I mean a REALLY good thing, not be God's plan? Well, sometimes it just isn't! And I have to accept that.

So, life goes on. God is still God. Nothing has changed for Him!

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock." Isaiah 26:3-4

And can I just say that not being "matched" has been so peaceful?

It is what it is.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

It is what it is.....

According to the last post, the owner/writer of this blog has some serious issues that she needs to take care of.

And fortunately for you, some things have been dealt with. I'm not going to lie to you. I was in a really bad place for awhile. It started about 3 weeks ago and took a downward spiral, FAST. I can't explain what happened, there is no rhyme or reason, all I can say is Hallelujah, it's over.

I now believe that I was under a spiritual attack, that ended with physical illness. Now that it's over, it's easy to see what the problem was, but when in the midst of it, WOW! The enemy is powerful. He is so much more detrimental to our every day lives than we give him credit for. And I, for one, am not going to take it any longer.

Here's the thing. I am a child of God. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teacher, an encourager, and most importantly, a witness for Christ. I have many gifts and talents that God has given me in order to do His work. And I believe that God has MUCH work left for me to do. Now, somewhere in God's infinite plan, tragedy was allowed to invade my life. And God planned to use this for my good. For HIS purposes. For HIS glory.

And for the most part, I was on board with all of this. I NEEDED this loss to mean something. I NEEDED God to show Himself faithful. I was growing in Him. He was showing me parts of His character that I had never seen.

And then it was like He was gone. I couldn't feel Him. I knew He was still here, yet I was plummeting into the darkness.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

What's wrong with people?????

Seriously???? I guess I'd be stupid to think I could put myself out here on my blog, write about all of these things that happen in our lives and expect not to be touched by it all. Mostly, we have been touched in good ways. Prayers, encouragement, new friendships, you know, stuff like that.

But recently, today especially, we have been touched by what can only be described as evil. I always knew that there were people out there who prey on those of us who have lost something and must seem desperate to get that something back. In our case, a baby.

We are no longer "matched" with that "sweet" couple I spoke of a few blogs back. To be honest, I never really "attached" to that situation. Having known these people