I did find out why bio mom is on the run...can you say FELONY??? Nothing violent, just trying to support her addiction. But for the grace of God...that could be any one of us. The details do explain why she isn't calling, though, so there is a slight comfort there.
Week before last I was terribly anxious. Almost to the point of not functioning, anxious. It's a terrible feeling and I prayed all week that God would take that from me and encourage me. Finally, toward the end of the week, I remembered what I have plastered on my wall:
Okay, God. I am TRYING!!! I decided to go through my Bible and write down (yes, manually, with pencil and paper) all the promises that God has given me regarding this adoption. I started in July. I was going to go through the entire Bible, but realized I didn't have that much time! As soon as I started copying the words down, the anxiety started to lift. "Be still and KNOW that I am God!" That was a week ago. Then I started to pray that God would really speak to my heart through our pastor. I was craving His Word. Well, before we even went to church, I had my music playing and had just downloaded a new group to me, "Go Fish" and it was like they had written their songs just for Tracy's situation. God was feeding me before I even got to church.
Then, at church that night, our pastor spoke on knowing what God's will is for your life. It was powerful! He just confirmed what my dad has told me all along. He said if you believe God has a plan for your life, keep moving forward, proclaiming the gospel. God will direct your steps IF you keep moving! When Paul started his ministry, there was a logical way they probably should have traveled. But, God stopped them and directed them an entirely different way, one that seems crazy to us when looking at the map and the logistics of it all. BUT, God had a different plan. Paul and his guys just had to be open to it. OH...and guess what??? When God turned them a different direction, they did not get discouraged! I wish I could be more like Paul! Anyway, my dad has always said, "If you believe that God is opening a door for you, keep walking toward it until He shuts it." So, we are walking...moving forward...proclaiming God's works!
Back to the title of my post. A year ago December, I had been praying for God to change Patrick's heart. He wanted to adopt Jacob, but after that, he was done. (Remember, at this time, S&J were still going back to their family according to DHS.) I was praying that God would either change Patrick's heart or mine. I wanted God's will, but I wanted us to be in agreement. I shut my mouth and did not speak to Patrick about adoption things. One day as I was praying and reading my Bible, God gave me this:
""The Lord replied, 'Look at the nations and be amazed! Watch and be astounded at what I will do! For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn't believe even if someone told you about it!" Habakuk 1:5
I knew at that point that God had a plan and it would be big! So then, on December 18, 2008, I get this verse again, but in regards to our baby/adoption! I LOVE the Bible!
Okay...so I was discouraged last week. God lifted me up, as He always does. Friday, I asked God for discernment. I cannot figure out how all of this is going to work out legally. I don't think "T" is going to stick around long for any kind of court hearings...remember...FELONY...so I asked God to help me out. Help me to discern if this baby is really His will. I am truly okay if it isn't, although I have not felt led in that direction at all.
Yesterday morning, I woke up thinking, "Just forget it...it's all too hard and complicated, I'll just take my toys and go home!" I thought that maybe this was God's discerning voice, telling me to quit. And then it hit me...wait...maybe it's someone ELSE'S voice. "God, please speak to me through your Word and let me know if this is of You or not."
If this was Him giving me discernment, then so be it, but if it was Satan whispering in my ear, I wanted to know. As I think I have said before, my Bible through the year has Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs each day. Here is what God said to me:
“May the God of your ancestors help you; may the Almighty bless you with the blessings of the heavens above, blessings of the earth beneath, and blessings of the breasts and womb.” Genesis 49:25
“You have so little faith! Why are you worried about having no food? Won’t you ever understand? Don’t you remember the five thousand I fed with five loaves, and the baskets of food that were left over?” Matthew 16:8
“May He grant your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans. May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory, flying banners to honor our God. May the Lord answer all your prayers.” Psalm 20:4-5
“Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; then stick to the path and stay safe. Don’t get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil.” Proverbs 4:25-27
I don’t think I have ever been spoken to so clearly in all 4 places of the Bible! Thank you GOD!!!
I would ask you to continue to pray for us. We need at least a phone call. Would it be terrible to ask that "T" be arrested??? Think about it...she would have food, clothing, shelter, and medical care. And she would be in a place my attorney could get to. Please pray that she doesn't have the baby in a parking lot. I am terrified that this will be her plan. Pray that all the legalites will go smoothly...God promised to "smooth our way". (And remember...he already brought her from Texas to Oklahoma!!!)
Also, please pray for me as Iwill be speaking at the Oklahoma Homeschool Mom's Summit on 1/30-1/31. I am looking forward to it! "Organize THIS!" is my topic. I have less than a week to practice what I will be preaching!!! I just want to be an encouragement to these moms.
I promise to post as SOON as I hear anything...good or bad...and I will leave you with this:
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1
Now I am off to grind some wheat to make home made bread to go with our stew for lunch! (Yes...we skipped church...too many kids hacking and coughing...but we can watch it online!!)