Saturday, August 15, 2009

I could feel it coming...

And when it did, I found myself curled up in the little's room, on the floor, in front of the dresser, where Jacob died. I have one more week to go until he has been gone for an entire year. I didn't just cry, I wailed. I am not even sure I have ever cried like that before. I suppose it needed to be done, and I am quite sure I have been avoiding it like the plague. There was some screaming, too, and my sweet husband, who probably wasn't quite sure what to do with me as I wigged out, just sat there and cried with me, as I was reminded I wasn't the only one who had lost our baby.

I want little two year old chocolate arms to hug my neck so tightly, the way Jacob did. I want to hear the sound of his little voice. Did you know that I can't remember what he sounded like? I happened to find the video of pictures I had made to play during his adoption know...the one we were preparing for the day he died?? I hit play to see if I could watch and had forgotten that I recorded his little voice saying his name on the video. It wasn't the same voice that I had remembered. I have to really try hard to remember his laugh...and it was a hilarious, chipmunk like laugh. How could I forget that? Sometimes I have a hard time picturing him in my head.

I WANT MY BABY BACK!!! I want my LIFE back. I want to stop crying. I want to go a day without being reminded of what I have lost. I want to be satisfied with what I have. I want to sleep through the night. I want to have energy during the day. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to be a good wife. I want to stop having to drive past the @#$% cemetery every stinking day. I want to be able to walk past little chocolate kids without feeling that knot in my stomach. I want to be a good friend...the kind that you all have been to me. I WANT OUT OF THIS!!!!! I AM DONE!

And then I am reminded...that none of this is any surprise to God. I know this in my heart of hearts. Patrick knows it, too. And I know everything is for my good. I also know that without suffering, there can be no mercy.

And mom...I will be fine...please don't call me because I don't really want to talk about it. I am going to bed early and will fine tomorrow.


  1. I love you Tracy!

    from Jana

  2. you are awesome Tracy! stay close to the Holy Spirit! Listen and wait ! From Dawn

  3. Dear Heart you are in my prayers. that darkest moment God heard your cries....

    "In my distress I called upon Jehovah, And cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of his temple, And my cry before him came into his ears." Psalm 18:6

    You are so blessed to have a husband who loves and supports you so very much :)

  4. I'm so sorry about your son. Praying for you!

  5. I just love you, am praying for you and crying tears along side you.

  6. Crying along with you crying feels good sometimes just to let it all out.

  7. Praying for you and your family!

  8. I have never commented before... but have followed your blog for a while now... I think I found it on the Bevins blog.

    Tracy, please know from one grieving momma's heart to another... I am praying for you. I am so sad with you. There are just those days and times when you have to let it ALL out. I am praying you are feeling a little better today... ( I know we really won't ever feel all better until we reach eternity, but I do understand the difference between deep, intense, raw sorrow, and then, grieving with hope... but still grieving.)

    His mercies are new every morning. Praying that you feel the Lord's presence in a real and close way today. Missing your sweet precious Jacob with you today. (We lost our Son Samuel last october, just a day after our due date, still born, due to a cord accident. Then this past July we lost a little chocolate:) baby we were to adopt next month. He too was stillborn. I see pictures of your precious Jacob and picture Joel looking kind of like him.) Jacob is beautiful! So are the rest of your children.

    I can tell you are a wonderful mommy to your precious children. You are in my prayers. Sorry for the novel, I can get a little long winded.

    Praying in Tulsa.