Sunday, November 2, 2008

As hard as I try....

I just cannot get past this. I am thankful for the good days and understanding of the bad ones. God is the same either way. Those of you who know me know that I am a planner...always have been. As I have mentioned before, grief has no "planned" timeline, no "normal" gauge and this in and of itself REALLY ticks me off. I would much rather it go something like this: "Tracy, on Saturday, 11/1, you will lose it over baked beans, in front of a bunch of people who only know you as Justin and Bryce's mom who never comes to the soccer games." "Tracy, Sunday, 11/2, during the children's time, Pastor Doug will have the kids sing Jacob's favorite song, Jesus Loves Me, and you will not recover during the service." You know...a little warning would be nice.

I guess I have been hiding behind the pain. Trying to be strong for everyone involved. But in reality, I lost my baby. And I don't much care what the hospital, DHS, or the police officers thought because Jacob wasn't the same color as me...he was MY baby. He called ME "mommy". I have gone back and forth today, reading scripture that I know is true, crying out to God, and being angry all at the same time.

I have also come to the conclusion that I need to do some forgiving. I need to forgive DHS for treating us like baby killers. I need to forgive the hospital for not allowing me see Jacob one last time. After reading the blog of Angie Smith (Todd Smith's wife from "Selah") I realized that NONE of this was a surprise to God. I have claimed this for Jacob's death, but maybe not in the circumstances surrounding the death. I have felt so violated by not being allowed to see him at the hospital. I felt violated by the questioning that we received. (Why are you asking about Jacob's birth parents...WE ARE HIS PARENTS!) I felt COMPLETELY violated by the line of questioning done by DHS during their "investigation" and that my children had to be submitted to that. But God knew...and He allowed...and He protected us. Now...it's one thing to know you need to forgive...it's a whole other thing to actually do it!

Todd and Angie Smith lost a baby at birth in April this year. Seven weeks later, Todd's sister, Nicol, (previously from "Selah"), lost her 10 week old baby to SIDS. I had no idea. They are my favorite group. As I read over Angie's blog today, I see how much growth still needs to occur in my life. I want that kind of faith. I want more than anything for God to be glorified in Jacob's death and in my heart break. But how? I also know that I know that I know that God plan is to prosper us, not to harm us. How in the world will I prosper after the loss of my baby?? So many questions.

I was directed to another blog today...it's addicting. I am also angry that my only connection with these people is death. Why can't it be chocolate or pepsi?? Anyway, this sweet woman has lost two babies at birth. I related so well to her words and she speaks them much more eloquently than I could. She said, "I choose to trust God more than I understand him right now." And that is where I am/want to be. The Bible also promises to "redeem our losses".

Psalm 30:6-12

6 When I was prosperous, I said, “Nothing can stop me now!” 7 Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain. Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered. 8 I cried out to you, O Lord. I begged the Lord for mercy, saying, 9 “What will you gain if I die, if I sink into the rave? Can my dust praise you? Can it tell of your faithfulness? 10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me. Help me, O Lord.” 11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, 12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Lamentations 3:19-26
19 The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.[a] 20 I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. 21 Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: 22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends![b] ]His mercies never cease. 23 Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. 24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” 25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. 26 So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.


My blog tonight is somewhat rattled...there doesn't seem to be any order. Sorry about that. Even in my deepest sorrow, I have seen the hand of God.

Some of you know that my little "J", who will be 3 the day after Thanksgiving, was diagnosed with full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder. Short version, if not treated, this disorder turns into several other disorders ultimately landing the person in prison for violent crimes. He has come such a long way. But, in the past 8 weeks, I truly believe that God has healed "J". He had started to shadow Jacob. When Jacob would ask for a hug or kiss, "J" would copy him. (Another symptom is complete lack of affection to the caregiver, ie. mommy) "J"'s therapist thought this was huge...he was learning to be affectionate. Since Jacob's death, "J" has started to initiate affection. HUGE!! He has not had rage in 8 weeks. HUGE! His behavior is normal 2-3 year old behavior...not that I enjoy that, but it's WAY better than the rages! And, best of all, last week he was sick. (Okay...I reread that and it doesn't sound right...not "best" because he was sick...read on...) Patrick started a movie for him and I sat next to him on the couch...not right next to him, but close. He immediately started scooting over closer and closer to me. Eventually, he crawled up into my lap and cuddled! HUGE!!!!!! His therapist said she thinks the RAD demon has left his body. I fully believe this. Before Jacob's death, we had started praying for his release from past (bio family) strongholds. I prayed that the connection between him and his bio family would be severed and that he would be saved from that legacy. I truly believe God answered our prayers when bio mom's rights were terminated and it will be complete when bio dad's rights are terminated. (This week we are praying!)

If you knew "J" and his entire past you would understand what a miracle this really is. So, in the midst of our pain, God is healing! We were led to an adoption ministry that we never would have found on our own. God is answering prayers! "My God he was, my God he is, my God he's always gonna be!"

4 comments:

  1. When I pray your name, as I do every day, I say, "Lord, whatever difficulty You don't remove, help her to bear it."

    Bless you, friend.

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  2. Woke up this morning with you on my heart.... praying that today you feel peace that passes all understanding. By sharing your heart, as hard as it is, it allows those that love you and care for you to carry a bit of your burden. May your burden feel ever lighter this day.

    Kim

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  3. thepayneslife.blogspot.comNovember 3, 2008 at 6:16 AM

    Hugssss!

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  4. I am crying! That story of J is incredible! So glad you see what God is doing, even in the deep dark days of grief. Thank you for glorifying Him still when you are wondering how to breathe. Thank you for being so honest and at the same time sharing those things you see in J. You are such a wonderful mother and daughter of Christ. I long to just hug you and pray with you. Know that I am, just can't leave my kiddos while they are sleeping!

    Please keep telling your story, day by day, it's incredible to watch God move through your life. So glad you connected with Kim's story. She is an incredible writer! And how cool that you two can connect through the internet!

    Sending love and prayers!
    Molly

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