I believe I may be sliding down into the bottom of that pit I am starting to despise. I pray it's a short trip as we have come so far this past week!
I knew it was coming. It started Wednesday, but I have done a pretty good job of dealing with it...I thought. Wednesday, we took a field trip to the Cowboy Hall of Fame with our homeschooling neighbors. (Free Wednesdays in November and since we are Okies born and bred, I thought it was about time we made our first trip!) We stopped at Wendy's on the way home. No big deal. Everything had been fine. The kids (her 4 and my 6) were sitting at the tables, quietly, while we were ordering. When we got to the table, a nice man came over and asked if they were all ours. We said of course and he said they had been trying to figure out which kids belonged together. He was very kind and thought that many kids was really cool. My neighbor said, "I have four and six of them are hers." Do you know what my thought was??? My seriously demented thought? I wanted to ask him, "Why didn't you ask about my other baby?? He's the cutest of the bunch. How come that man didn't talk about Jacob?" I know...seriously wrong. Don't worry...I just smiled at him.
And here is what always happens, and always when I am driving, I have a sudden thought that "Oh My GOSH...MY BABY IS GONE! It's real and it's me!" That was yesterday.
Today was pretty good until I opened the mail this evening. There was a bill from the emergency physician that treated Jacob. Evidently, insurance denied the claim. (Because they filed it under Patrick's insurance...not sure where they got the info...Jacob wasn't on our insurance yet. Patrick spent the day before he died trying to get him added, but the computer system was down.) Anyway, the bill was itemized and was the first time I had any idea what had happened to Jacob. Remember, we were not allowed to see him again after they put him on the ambulance. The only thing the doctor said to us was that they were unable to restart his heart. It didn't tell much, but it did bring everything right back to the surface. I just need to know what happened. I NEED to know. There has to be a reason my baby is gone. I need to know that reason. Please pray that the medical examiner will finish the report like yesterday.
Sorry...this afternoon, this post was going to be a LOT more encouraging. I was going to talk about S&J and how happy we all are, blah, blah, blah, but now I am not in the mood.
So, I made it to the bathtub, just in time tonight. (I don't cry in my beer...I cry in my bubble bath!) I have mentioned before that I pray the "Power of a Praying Wife" and "Power of a Praying Parent" each night in the bath. Recently, I found a little book called "The Prayer that Changes Everything", also by Stormie Omartian. Tonight I opened it up and here is the prayer I opened to:
"Because He Is A Good God"
"Lord, help me to trust that You are a good God no matter what is going on in my life. Help me to believe without any doubting that even if bad things are happening, Your goodness will reign int eh midst of them all. Thank you that Your plans for me are for good. Thank You that the future You have for me is good. Thank You that You bring good things into my life. Reveal Your goodness to me more and more so that I may praise You for it. How great is Your goodness to those who trust and fear You (Psalm 31:19). O Lord, how excellent is Your name in all the earth. (Psalm 8:1)
"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him." Lamentations 3:25
Just so you know...I do feel a little better since writing this post...
3 days ago