I have been a little down. I guess it's to be expected. I just know that God is not finished with us in the area of helping babies, but every door is just being slammed shut! I have complained today that I know God will answer our prayers and will fulfill the promises He has given me, but I want to know HOW!!! And what am I supposed to be doing in the mean time??
I did get out today and got some shopping done. S & J didn't have any fall clothes, so I decided it was time. Besides...I want to be prepared when DHS asks about their clothing. "S" is very hard to shop for. Easy in the fact that she is all girl and there are lots of cute things out there, but hard because she is a size 6 from her bottom up and a size 4 from her bottom down! Poor kid! Denim is a no-no for her. We only by STRETCHY clothes! "J" is built about the same way, but because he is a boy, it's not a big deal. Size 2 pants, size 3 tops. I can just roll his jeans up and we are on our way.
So, we get the shopping done and get home. I am all over the internet looking at all the possible options available. It is completely frustrating. How in the world are we going to help babies? Where can we possibly go besides DHS? People think those of us with large families "can't handle" anymore, so there are no options known to me at this point and we all know that the powers that be in DHS are not on our side. There is talk that the fact that we were over placed is linked to Jacob's death. I can't wait to hear how they explain that one. I think this is almost as hard as losing Jacob. Before his death, I still had hope of helping more babies when he was older. I didn't know how, just that it was still on my heart. No doors had been slammed yet!
For those of you who do not know, we also still have an open allegation as a result of Jake's death. "Threat of harm to a child." That's a good one. Where exactly can you go that there isn't a threat of harm to a child?? Regardless, if this allegation is not finished up, it will delay our adoption of S & J. Please pray that the medical examiner will get his report to DHS in a timely manner so that we can close that chapter of our lives. DHS has assured us that it is just a formality, but until it is completely closed, I just don't trust them.
I give up and take my bubble bath. (I told you...EVERY night!) After, I decide to read my Bible. (I also realize had I read it this morning, much of my afternoon would not have been wasted!) God spoke to me, again, in such a personal way.
"The Lord has said to me in the strongest terms: "Do not think like everyone else does. Do not be afraid that some plan conceived behind closed doors will be the end of you. Do not fear anything except the Lord Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear him, you need fear nothing else.. He will keep you safe." Is. 8:11-14
"I will write down all these things as a testimony of what the Lord will do. I will entrust it to my disciples, who will pass it down to future generations. I will wait for the Lord to help us, though He has turned away from the people of Israel. My only hope is in Him. I and the children the Lord has given me have names that reveal the plans the Lord Almighty has for his people. So why are you trying to find out the future by consulting mediums and psychics? (internet??) Do not listen to their whisperings and mutterings. Can the living find out the future from the dead? Why not ask your God?" Is. 8:16-19
"But to keep me from getting puffed up, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from getting proud. (This is Paul speaking.) Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong!" 2 Corin. 12:7-10
"But, I will call on God and the Lord will rescue me. Morning, noon and night I plead aloud in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. He rescues me and keeps me safe from the battle waged against me, even though many still oppose me." Psalm 55:16-18
Wow. My God amazes me every day. I no longer have to look for what we are to do next. God is going to reveal that to me in ways that can only be from Him. How exciting! I know His ways are not my ways. BUT...in the meantime, as I am reminded by my friend, Kellye, "Be still and know that He is God." Okay...I will try...but neither of those are easy for me.
"For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Oh...I wanted to share with you what a sweet little 3 year old named Emilee prayed last night.
"God, please take care of Jacob Levi Phillips. He is up with you and he loves you and we love him. Amen."
5 months ago